In our lives we often put up with something until we just can’t take “it” anymore. It may be a job, a way of relating, a habit, or living without this or that. The questions may arise: What is really wrong here? Why am I so miserable, angry, or lifeless? Why do I keep circling this mountain on the same path, viewing the same landscape, feeling the same feelings? When is this aspect of my life going to change? ad nauseam. Do I dare ask myself what I really want? Do I have the fortitude to really listen to myself?

The same path around the same hill will not work again. It is time to embark down a different road. The real journey begins. The actual doing of a thing. We must step upon the diverging path and risk the walk. Or possibly there is no alternative road and the journey is the process of creation itself. We strike out to create our own way in our life-wilderness…hoping for a cloud in the bright heat; crossing our fingers for a flame in the night.

One problem. Change, or call it pioneering our self, can have moments that are scary as hell. When we embark, or attempt another step on the journey of shaping our integrity the resistance can be brutal. I am not referring to the voices of others. I think others’ opinions, disapproval, blank stares, or lack of cheerleading, have less of a hold on us when we have faced our own demons.

Let’s take a glimpse at a gospel story in the Christian tradition (John 1, Luke 3, Matthew 4, Mark 1). During baptism a-la-John in the Jordan River, God’s voice thundered over Jesus “You are my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” Jesus was alighted by the Holy Spirit in dove-like form. That same Spirit, Mark says, drove Jesus out into the wilderness to be tested by Satan and deny his body food. I can imagine the voice “If you, sack of bones, are the Son of God make this and that happen, now!!” Matthew tells us that Jesus answers the Devil with Hebrew scriptures, three times and the Devil flees. Does an almost audible voice awaken you in the night with a “who the @#$^*& do you think you are? You cannot possible attempt to X, Y, or Z!!! You are a joke. You do not know how to do this.” Jesus was driven by the Spirit to testing. Sometimes we must do likewise, be conscious of the evil tempting voices, and know and speak our truth. The Spirit orchestrated and allowed Jesus’ testing, and we should be likewise prepared. When we face the devil-voices, recognize the dynamic and stay our course, we are strengthened in our way, even propelled along.

Lets look at this from a different perspective. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, speaks to this dynamic in her encouraging tome Women who Run with the Wolves (1995). In her retelling of the Bluebeard myth, Estes (1995, pp. 35-69) shines light for the soul that is longing to become oneself and to grow in the meaningful. In the myth, a young girl and her family are introduced to Bluebeard. Initially they are intuitively wary of him. But he wines, dines, and woos sisters and mothers and eventually proposes marriage to the youngest. She tells herself his beard “isn’t that blue” (Estes, 1995, p. 45). She accepts and marries. The youngest sister is visited by her sisters in Bluebeard’s castle.  Bluebeard leaves them to pursue his travels. He forbids them one thing. They must not unlock the cellar door. But, the sisters’ curiosity can not be denied. They break the rule and discover reality. Bluebeard has had many wives and their burnt bones lay heaped in a dark and bloody basement. Bluebeard returns home and discovers his wife’s disobedience. He is going to do her in. Right in the nick of time the older brothers appear on the scene to rescue captive little sister. Estes, in the jungian tradition, suggests that we each have many beings inside our psyche including our illusive and hidden Bluebeard (1995, p. 35). Bluebeard seeks to capture and kill the young feminine light. He hates this blossoming creative energy. He is the ultimate murderous negative force (Estes, 1995, p. 42).

Whether we see the doubt and fear as coming from within us, without, or both we must defy the messages. We can cower in our castle of captivity, cut off from the dream, vision, or desire; isolated from the “us” we want to become. Or we can purpose to embark, to get about the business of creating our meaning. We can choose to keep moving forward in the direction that we know and sense is somehow right for us. Go ahead and make the music. Buy the paint and canvas and make a mess. Get your old bones out of bed early to put pen to paper. Pray the prayer into the silent dark. Take shape. Take your desired design seriously. Creative life-energy is generative. Life begets more life, more being, increased awareness. Pieces can start falling into place because the ball is moving and gaining momentum.

But watch out. In this wilderness of wakeful living Bluebeards are lurking. They are trying to snuff out that which inflames creative fire, trying to stop us in our feeble tracks. I offer this simple illustration from the recent past. For the record, I am a wife of one wonderful husband of seventeen years and we have 5 children. I am currently enrolled in a counseling graduate program and am working on my first class. The day of my first test arrived and I was prepared. I had studied an hour here, an hour there for five days. I was nervous. The last college test I took was 17 years ago. My five year old Alex was behaving like a boy and fell on his arm in the living room. He hollered through tears and snot and whimpered “my arm popped”. I think loudly in my head “Oh great, I have a test tonight. This cannot happen today. This just figures!” After some minutes, and hugs and offerings of ice packs Alex is fine. He can move his arm. I am going to take the test. Later on that day while studying, an undesired text appears on my phone from someone who is not being honest with me about something considerably important. Our relationship is broken and said individual wants to pretend and ignore. They want me to go back to sleep. As my kids would say, the situation “stinks”. Enter the voices of doubt and fear, heightened by the adrenalin from the previous “broken arm on test day” scare. “YOU CANNOT BE A COUNSELOR. YOU CANNOT EVEN FIX THIS OR MAKE IT BETTER. YOU ARE MESSED UP.” In my head I speak back. (This is what aspiring counselors do.)

In essence I say:

You are right, I am broken but shove off! I am taking my first test in four hours and I am going to learn about psychology and if I fail, I fail. If I can’t handle it, then oh well, I AM TRYING ANYWAYS.

My stomach was sick with my run-in with the “undesirable texter” and the accusations and anxiety that followed. My heart pounded. I am training myself that this means I need to b r e a t h e  d e e p. I am learning to befriend anxiety.

When my new friend shows up she reminds me that I am doing new things, going on an adventure, searching for my meaning. She and I, we take deep breaths together.

My eyes may get big and round for a moment, but then a smile usually comes. I am alive and making my life to be more mine. I am waking up.

Bluebeard wants us to not become conscious of what is killing us. He does not want us to face the reality of what the cellar door contains. Jesus was conscious of the voice of His enemy. He knew the truth and could stand on it in the face of accusation. Every time we choose to take action and “design our meaning” we are escaping our Bluebeard. We are embodying what we know is true, enfleshing our ideals. God the Father sent Jesus to incarnate a life and walk a path. Let us not stop at our vision, our theology, our dream or disembodied truth. Let us take up ourselves and walk.

References: Estes, C. P. (1995). Women Who Run With the Wolves. New York: Ballentine Books.